…and a sudden plunge…

I’m back.

The past couple of months have been a “retreat” of sorts. Not of the beneficial-spiritual-pulling-away-from-the-cares-and-woes-of-the-world…no…a retreat of a whole other kind. More of a get-me-out-of-here-this-is-really-scary-I-feel-like-I’m-on-a-ship-with-no-rudder-or-compass!

Drifting and frightened, I’d pulled away from much of what has sustained me in the past…this has always been an unfortunate characteristic of mine:  flee, back-up and regroup when frightened…

(Have I ever mentioned that St. Peter is the Apostle and Saint I most identify with? Seemingly brave to the point of shedding blood, ready to declare Christ as Messiah before God and man…and the first to flee in fear.)

I’ve spent many angst-ridden weeks pondering the direction our Lord has been calling me. I’ve tried shedding every distraction, eliminating all that I could in the desire to discern just what has been missing in the past few months of struggles.  Fear became a close friend.  I began to doubt every move that I made.

Questions…questions…questions…

Does God really want me to homeschool or is this what I want?

Am I in His will?

What is His will?

Do I have too many distractions?  What are they?

What to keep?  What to lose?

What to do…

In the end, the answer to all these questions lies in the simple realization that I’ve moved away from the so-called “rigidity” of self-discipline to the seeming “freedom” of so-called spontaneity by eschewing orderliness.

The results have been disastrous.  As order began to disappear, bit by bit, chaos reigned…not so much in my home, as in my heart.  To the outsider, things would seem to be as they ever were.  But to those who know me best, something has been missing…rhythm, order, peace and joy…

I’m stepping out of the path of fear, to truth.  Into the light, where joy exists.  It’s hard, when it seems so much ground has been lost, but I now realize that I’ve been trying to take on far more then God has ever asked of me.  My little boat has been drifting, tossed upon every wind, pulled into every current and eddy, restless and yet desirous of rest.

Through much prayer and discernment, with the encouragement of friends and my dear husband, I’m getting back to the essentials, doing what needs to be done and answering all those questions:

We are a homeschooling family.  Period.  God wants this family to love and serve Him in this world, so that we can ALL be happy with Him in the next.  Period.  He didn’t create me to live in fear, but in trust, prudently discerning His will in all things.  Period.

So…

I’m setting anchor.  Anchored in truth, wearing my spiritual armor (thanks, Fr. Fox!) I’m ready to move forward.

No retreat…

Blessings,

P.S.  More later on my return to blogging in the public venue…