It is morning, still dark…

Here I sit, typing, sleepless in the silence while the rest of the family slumbers under warm blankets, sweet dreams and peace.

There is no great woe that has taken me from slumber…no…the opposite.  My heart is full, a prayer answered in an amazing way and an interesting journey ahead.

It has been hard to put into words yet another day of fear.

Bright and early, the phone rang…my doctor.

How does the mother of many small ones explain how her heart clinched when she heard these words on Wednesday morning?  Ominous words…CT scan reviewed again…early lymphoma…immediate consultation with surgeon necessary.

What?  CT scan reviewed?  Why on earth?  Everything was fine.  Blood work:  negative.  Chest xray:  negative.  CT scan:  negative.  The odd swellings remained, the altered facial appearance, but confidence soared and life goes on despite fatigue and other sufferings.

Life goes on…

And then this.  A 24 hour wait for a surgeon’s consult.  Thoughts of cancer, chemo and radiation.  Scars and hospitals.  My husband.  My children.  Feelings of helplessness.  I must be a lamb…I must be a lamb…I must be a lamb…God is asking me to be a lamb, to allow Him to shepherd me, to lead me out of those dark paths, the mind trip that fear inspires.  Trust.  Be still.  Know that I am God…I’ll take care of you.  You are my lamb…

I couldn’t write my fears.  Couldn’t.  A quick prayer request posted on my facebook account.  That’s it.  I couldn’t talk to friends…I felt such horrible doubt.  Why?  Why now?  I don’t want to do this!  Not now…please Lord…not now.  please…

Oh…it was a dark day and night.  Clouds, rain and wind mirroring the tempest of emotions.  And then the appointment.

With an angel…

Have you ever thought how important it is that your doctor be a Christian?   This precious surgeon…this Godly man, drawing illustrations, careful to put a cartoon smile upon his caricature of me (no doubt noting the fear and confusion on my face), explaining how marvelously and miraculously God had made me…had made all of us.  How the lymphatic system works.  Why mine isn’t working so well due to a long-standing, deep-seated infection in a pair of extremely enlarged, and increasingly enlarging tonsils.  And that he absolutely, positively did NOT see a cancer profile in the swelling of all these lymph glands.  Willing to stake his reputation on it…

Tonsils.

Yes..tonsils!  For decades they’ve plagued me with continued sore throats, many trips to the emergency room and even surgery for a peritonsilar abscess.  Many, many times I was admonished to have them removed.  But I was pregnant.  Or nursing.  Or nursing.  Or pregnant.  Or sick.  Sick.  Sick…

Always sick.  From the time I was a child…

And it seems, that now, perhaps after years of suffering, and the past six months of odd symptoms, constant sickness and increasing swelling, shortness of breath and a host of other issues that it may just be as simple as taking out a pair of tonsils.

And it really needs to be done soon.  So I have a referral to an ENT surgeon on December 16th and will be scheduled for surgery either before or right after Christmas.  It won’t be easy.  I’m not exactly five years old and tonsilectomy for an adult is no walk in the park.  But, hey…it’s not cancer!  And this just may be the answer to the prayers for healing that my children, husband and I have been praying for.

Oh, yes…did I mention that this surgeon had the same experience in his 30’s?!  That’s how he made the diagnosis.  Looking at my detailed medical history, interviewing me and my husband in depth…he said it was a perfect mirror of his own experience.

“Well, Doctor…I absolutely believe in Divine Providence.  God sent me to you.  May God bless you!”

The warmest, most genuine smile…”Why thank you…thank you so much!  I believe in Divine Providence, too.  I pray this is the answer.  I feel very confident that you will be well…that this surgery will improve your health tremendously.  I’m giving you a referral to my Doctor.  God bless you…”

“God bless you.”

Oh, yes…He has!  And in oh, so many ways!

So…an interesting journey ahead, a necessary period of silence (of the vocal sort!) once the surgery is accomplished, ten days of real suffering and about a month of recovery all to move towards improved health.

Who’d have thought someone could be this happy over the prospect of surgery?

Blessings,