Friends…I’d like to share an open letter (a re-post from 2008) to all homeschooling moms. I sense a growing despair amongst some of us “moms of many.” This is for all of us…most especially those of you who think you simply can’t do this anymore. It is so easy, as the year winds down, to judge oneself a failure, to give in to self-doubt and discouragement. And while there are many reasons why a family might choose not to continue home educating, there are also many who will consider abandoning homeschooling for all the wrong reasons. I would like to share my story in hopes that no one ever undergoes the same suffering that our family experienced, or at least, offer the advice that I never sought. Please don’t carry this cross alone…
Dear “mom”
I’m a homeschooling mother of 9 and had been home educating for many years when the stress of two back to back pregnancies and bed rest, coupled with near paralysis and postpartum depression, caused me to doubt my ability to effectively parent and educate my children. I began to feel that my physical incapacity and obvious emotional weakness was damaging my children. I told myself that I was crazy to continue this way. That they would get along better if they weren’t in each other’s faces day and night. That it would be a relief to not have to keep records or worry about being accountable for my “failure.” In other words…I felt more like a lousy parent than a lousy home educator and feared that my children would judge me harshly one day for the many ways that I was failing at my vocation. I didn’t want the guilt of it all, anymore. So I cried. I begged and pleaded with my husband. I told him I simply couldn’t do it anymore. Never once during this time did any of my friends have a clue just how much I was suffering. I didn’t seek the wisdom and counsel of mothers who had been down this path before. I was far too ashamed. I seemed to really have it all together, on the surface. Goodness, people sought my advice! They looked to me for solutions for their problems…how could I ever let them know how much I was suffering?
So my husband, out of his great love and concern for my physical and emotional well-being, allowed me to return the five children that were homeschooling at that time, back to public school. We lived in a very small town, with an excellent school less than three miles from my house. I packed lunches, loaded backpacks, signed up for PTA and Band Boosters and became a Homeroom Mother. My children joined the dance team, band, academic team, theater, basketball, tennis, track, drum corp and Raptor club. I (along with the younger children) spent my time in the car, chauffering each child to the next event, waiting for the bus and keeping appointments. I had told myself that we would continue faith formation after school…but there was never any time. If the children weren’t in some type of practice, then homework, dinner, bath and bedtime were all we ever had time for.
But those were the little things…the worst of it? The relationship the children had with one another completely disappeared. They became jealous and argumentative. They wanted to hang out with their school friends, not the pesky little brother or sister. And they were sick. Horribly, miserably sick. During our homeschooling days, none of the children had been on an antibiotic for more than 5 years. After entering public education, we were in the emergency room, doctor’s office or urgent care center a minimum of once a week. Three months after entering public school, every single one of them came down with community acquired pneumonia. Then strep. And so on. It was horrific. I watched our family relationships disintegrate, as we were all so very exhausted and sick so much of the time. This went on for eighteen months. During this time, I never once considered that perhaps we would be better off homeschooling. After all, what could I offer them compared to all the great things they were participating in at public school? My heart was broken as I realized that I had thrown away a beautiful thing…that I had sacrificed a temporary stress for permanent suffering. And I would NEVER ask them if they wanted to come back. It would be too painful to be rejected in such a way.
Then one day, as I was lamenting to a friend just how much my children had changed, how my family was not the same, and was also encouraging her in pursuing her goal of homeschooling, she asked me why I didn’t just ask them if they wanted to come home. “Right,” I said. “Like they would. Here, I’ll show you…Hey son…how would you like to come back home for school?” Without hesitation he says: “I could come home? Really? And not go back? Sure!” I sobbed aloud. I said “You don’t mean it! You have basketball and academic team…you would really come back?” He said: “Mom…I’m exhausted. I never have time to play anymore. I’m sick a lot. I want to come home.” A quick survey revealed that all of the children were ready to return home. That no matter the allurement, they wanted to come back to the place where faith, family and love reigned.
One month later, they were back. It has taken a few years to undo the damage. We had to rebuild relationships and trust, but we are all committed to this crazy idea we call home education. It is hard. Some days are harder than others. But we’ve remembered why we’re doing this. We want a strong family of faith. We are raising saints and not scholars. We want our children to love one another and look to the example of those who love them best. When they were away…there was just never enough time, no matter how good our intentions were.
Dearest mother…if there is anyway you can think a little longer on this, I urge you to. Just to be sure that you won’t suffer the way my family did. I offer you no judgment whatsoever, I’ve been where you are. I know how painful it is. I just wish that someone, anyone had offered me counsel…but I just didn’t ask for it. I hope that by sharing my story, you will find within yourself the strength to persevere in the face of seeming impossibility. You can do it. God will give you all the graces you ask Him for.
Please…ask.
May 22, 2013 at 4:52 pm
My story is very similar, but a lack of Catholic homeschool support is what sent our children to school. I was asking for help. All of my friends and family thought I was crazy for homeschooling in the first place. After 3 years of school, our oldest daughter left the faith, but cautioned me to bring the others home lest they suffer her same fate. We’ve been home for another 3 years and it isn’t always great, but we are better for being home.
May 22, 2013 at 6:34 pm
Shelly…thank you so much for your comment and the honest revelation that this isn’t easy! I was in the same situation, having no Catholic support group…but I did know other home educators, many of whom ended up in the same boat that I did…no one wanted to say just how hard this is, but there are many, many kinds of “hard” aren’t there? God bless you as you continue you along your journey…peace and joy to you!
May 22, 2013 at 7:11 pm
Thank you for acknowledging just how difficult it is. I have many years ahead of me and find that it’s becoming much easier as I get older and wiser.
May 23, 2013 at 3:28 am
Thank you for posting this. I am having a very difficult time with one of my older children and am so tempted to send him off somewhere…out of the way. Yet I feel bound by God’s will and continue to seek what that may be for us. If it be something other than homeschooling, I want it to be for the right reasons. Thank you for giving me something to consider.
May 23, 2013 at 6:35 pm
Ah…the will of God…that is just the hardest part for me! I know so firmly that this is what He wants for our family, so persevere I must! My prayers for you as you continue to discern just what His will is for you and yours…may God bless you!
May 23, 2013 at 3:34 am
Thank you so much for this. I am currently homeschooling a 2nd grader and a kindergartner, have a two year old and am pregnant with our fourth who will be coming just in time for the next school year in September. I am feeling so overwhelmed right now, not just by homeschooling but by other commitments as well. I slept terribly last night, hit the wall today and my lower back is ready to give out. Sometimes it seems it would be so easy to just give up. Thank you for sharing what that looks like. Your encouragement is very needed right now.
May 23, 2013 at 6:34 pm
So sorry for your suffering, Rebecca! May God bless you…this is hard, but all the best things in life are purchased at a price; ultimately we must decide which price will give us the best value. You are in my prayers…may God heal your poor back and grant you peace as you live your vocation!